When Parents' Lose Their Cool

A woman appears stressed, with her eyes closed and fingers pressed against her temples, seeking relief from tension.

I assume you're already aware that autistic children, teens, and adults often respond to your stress and overwhelm in negative ways. Therefore, you make every effort to remain calm for your children or those in your care.

At times, maintaining a peaceful household feels like walking on eggshells. Your children, spouse, teachers, and others rely on you to resolve or ease regulation issues.

I understand. Staying calm and composed is nearly impossible when you're the one supporting your child (and many others). Everyone has a breaking point when their fight, flight, freeze, faint, or feign responses activate. Did you know these reactions are completely normal and part of your nervous system's way of protecting you? When your nervous system is overwhelmed, it enters shutdown or reboot mode, meaning your brain suspends certain functions to preserve your well being. The areas of your brain that are affected include your language and cognitive processing centers. You are literally designed to fend off danger with all your strength at those times, not to think, process, attend to others and ensure their well-being. As a parent, spouse, teacher, or other guide, you're placed in an almost impossible situation: to override your body's preservation signals in order to rise above and care for others.

Even those with the best intentions occasionally lose their composure. We might be autistic ourselves or in a relationship with, married to, or co-parenting with an autistic adult who experiences dysregulation more frequently or more intensely. While there is much discussion on preventing meltdowns, they still occur. So, what should you do when that happens?

PREVENTION IS ALWAYS IDEAL, OF COURSE

If you have a co-parent:

1. Agree on a plan for tapping out: Before either you or your partner/coparent reach a breaking point, decide on a method to "tap each other out" using a code word, hand signal, or physical item. This is intended for instances when you notice the other parent is struggling. It's a prearranged way to switch roles without any questions or comments at that moment.

2. Avoid micromanaging each other: Allow each other to handle your own time with your child without giving live coaching. When you or your coparent are having a tough moment, providing or receiving coaching can be counterproductive. Opt to jot things down for discussion at a later time, ideally during a scheduled coparenting meeting that takes place weekly.

3. Set a weekly time, day, and situation to talk about coparenting: Many of us attempt to discuss parenting at the end of the day when our kids are finally in bed, which is when we are most tired. This might work for smaller, simpler topics, but larger issues need their own dedicated time and space. For example, consider letting the kids watch a favorite show every Saturday morning so you and your coparent can enjoy a cup of coffee, breakfast, or simply sit together in a calm state to discuss your parenting successes and challenges.

WHEN PREVENTATIVE MEASURES DO NOT WORK

Here are 5 steps to take if you've lost your composure:

1. Pause: Sit down to quickly calm your nervous system. Breathe deeply. Remain silent for at least a full minute, even if tempted to speak. Ensure safety but refrain from speaking. Focus on each breath, making them as deep as possible.

   1. Step away: If you can't immediately calm yourself, choose to walk away. It's not the time to repair or justify your actions, even if it feels like it is. It's not.

   2. Distract yourself: Gain clarity by distancing yourself from the issue. You'll revisit it later. Read, call a friend, lie down, listen to music, eat something, or drink ice water. If you can't leave your child, try the ice water trick to cool your nervous system and regain clear thinking.

   3. Take a break: If you truly can't regulate yourself, ask someone to take over for a while. This could be for an hour or even a day. If you can't ensure safety, it's best to remove yourself until you can manage your emotions.

2. Reflect: Review the situation objectively. What could you have done differently? What skills do you, your child, or your partner need to learn or practice to handle similar situations better in the future?

3. "Put a flag in it": Note or highlight the skill or issue that needs improvement. Simply feeling relieved without addressing the problem means it's likely to recur. Identify the moment as an opportunity for learning and growth.

4. Apologize with a plan: It's normal to lose your temper, but you still owe your child or partner an apology along with a plan for improvement. Be open to negotiating or adjusting the plan to prevent a repeat of the situation.

5. Release guilt: Nobody's perfect. Demonstrating to your child that you can get upset, lose your cool, and recover can strengthen your relationship and model healthy anger management.

Here are 5 steps to take when someone else has lost their cool with your or an individual in your presence

1. Observe 1st: Take a full minute to observe before stepping in (unless safety is at stake of course). Ask yourself if this is a situation that really needs your intervention or are you being triggered by something that is more personal to you.

   1. Breathe: If you are needing to step in, adding to the flood of escalated emotions is not going to help the situation. Breathe in, breath out mindfully and plant your feet into the ground so you can feel them steady your whole body before you approach.

2. Step In Silently: Do not say a word, but get in as close as you can safely and put your hand out in an offer to help. If you feel you must speak, state "I'm here if you need me." Allow the co-parent to step back on their own, if they can.

3. State the Problem NOT the Solution: If your coparent is still not stepping away, and you can see that they are not de-escalating, state what you see rather than what the solution might be (e.g., "this doesn't seem to be helping" vs "you just need to stop yelling.")

4. Reflect: Review the situation objectively when you are in a separate space and time from the offending situation. What could have been done differently? What skills do you, your child, or your partner need to learn or practice to handle similar situations better in the future?

5. "Put a flag in it": Note or highlight the skill or issue that needs improvement. Simply feeling relieved without addressing the problem means it's likely to recur. Identify the moment as an opportunity for learning and growth.

*Disclaimer: if an individual is ever being physically injured, it is your responsibility to take action to get them safe. This may be calling 911, or the emergency number in your area, if you cannot safely remove them from danger.