Maintaining Calm: Managing Stress in Family Dynamics

A woman appears stressed, with her eyes closed and fingers pressed against her temples, seeking relief from tension.

Understanding the Stress Response in Autistic Individuals

I assume you're already aware that autistic children, teens, and adults often respond to stress and overwhelm in negative ways. Therefore, you make every effort to remain calm for your children or those in your care.

At times, maintaining a peaceful household feels like walking on eggshells. Your children, spouse, teachers, and others rely on you to resolve or ease regulation issues.

Staying calm and composed can feel nearly impossible when you're the one supporting your child and many others. Everyone has a breaking point when their fight, flight, freeze, faint, or feign responses activate. Did you know these reactions are completely normal and part of your nervous system's way of protecting you?

When your nervous system is overwhelmed, it enters shutdown or reboot mode. This means your brain suspends certain functions to preserve your well-being. The areas of your brain that are affected include your language and cognitive processing centers. You are designed to fend off danger with all your strength at those times, not to think, process, attend to others, and ensure their well-being.

As a parent, spouse, teacher, or guide, you're placed in an almost impossible situation: to override your body's preservation signals in order to rise above and care for others.

The Importance of Partnership in Parenting

Even those with the best intentions occasionally lose their composure. You might be autistic yourself or in a relationship with, married to, or co-parenting with an autistic adult who experiences dysregulation more frequently or intensely. While there is much discussion on preventing meltdowns, they still occur. So, what should you do when that happens?

Prevention is Always Ideal, of Course

If you have a co-parent:

1. Agree on a plan for tapping out: Before you or your partner reach a breaking point, decide on a method to "tap each other out." Use a code word, hand signal, or physical item that indicates help is needed. This allows a smooth role switch without any questions or comments at that moment.

2. Avoid micromanaging each other: Allow each other to handle your own time with your child without offering live coaching. When you or your co-parent are having a tough moment, providing or receiving coaching can be counterproductive. Jot down notes for a later discussion during a scheduled co-parenting meeting.

3. Set a weekly time to talk about co-parenting: Many parents find it difficult to discuss parenting at the end of the day when they are most tired. Instead, schedule a time. For instance, let the kids watch a favorite show every Saturday morning while you enjoy a cup of coffee together to discuss your parenting successes and challenges.

   
   

Navigating Emotional Turbulence

When Preventative Measures Do Not Work

Here are five steps to take if you've lost your composure:

1. Pause: Sit down and quickly calm your nervous system. Breathe deeply and remain silent for at least a full minute, even if you feel tempted to speak. Ensure safety but focus on your breath, making it as deep as possible.

   
   

2. Step away: If calming yourself isn’t working, choose to walk away. This isn't the time to repair or justify your actions—just step away.

   
   

3. Distract yourself: Gain clarity by distancing yourself from the issue. Read, call a friend, listen to music, or drink ice water to cool your nervous system and regain clear thinking.

   
   

4. Take a break: If you truly can’t regulate, ask someone to take over for a while. Remove yourself until you can manage your emotions safely.

   
   

5. Reflect: Review the situation objectively. What could you or your child have done differently? Identify skills that you or your partner may need to learn or practice for handling similar situations better in the future.

   
   

Addressing the Aftermath

"Put a flag in it": Highlight the skill or issue needing improvement. Simply feeling relieved without addressing the problem means it's likely to recur. Identifying the moment as an opportunity for learning and growth is crucial.

Apologize with a plan: It’s normal to lose your temper, but an apology along with a plan for improvement is essential. Be open to negotiating the plan to prevent a repeat of the situation.

Release guilt: Nobody is perfect. Demonstrating to your child that you can get upset, lose your cool, and recover can strengthen your relationship and model healthy anger management.

Helping Others in Stressful Situations

Here are five steps to take when someone else has lost control in your presence:

1. Observe first: Take a full minute to observe before approaching, unless safety is at stake. Ask yourself if the situation really requires your intervention or if you might be triggered by something more personal.

   
   

2. Breathe: If you need to step in, do so with calmness. Breathe mindfully and plant your feet into the ground to feel steady before approaching.

   
   

3. Step in silently: Get as close as you can safely without saying a word. Offer help with your hands if needed. If necessary, state, "I'm here if you need me."

   
   

4. State the problem, not the solution: If the individual is not calming down, describe what you see rather than offering solutions. For example, say, "This doesn't seem to be helping," instead of suggesting they stop yelling.

   
   

5. Reflect: Just as before, review the situation when you're separate from it. Think about what could have been done differently and what skills need to be practiced for future encounters.

   
   

Disclaimer: If an individual is ever being physically injured, it is your responsibility to take action to ensure their safety. This may include calling 911, or your local emergency number, if you cannot safely remove them from danger.

Overall, remember, fostering a calm environment requires effort and cooperation. By understanding your own stress responses and those of others, you can create a more peaceful atmosphere for everyone involved, including your family. If you find yourself needing extra support, reaching out for professional help can also be beneficial.