The Power — and Limits — of Validation for Neurodivergent Individuals (of any age)
- Barb Avila
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Most everyone has heard of validation and it’s power when raising children. And when used well, it can be incredibly helpful for communication, trust, and helping children feel seen. But like any tool, it has nuances — especially when you’re raising a neurodivergent child whose communication style, sensory needs, and emotional processing may differ from your and others’ neurotypical expectations.
Validation can be incredibly powerful when connecting with anyone at any age who is neurodivergent. If you are reading this and have a spouse, partner, friend, neighbor or co-worker who is autistic, please insert “individual” wherever it says “your child” or similar.
What Validation Actually Means
Validation isn’t about agreeing with your child or giving in. It’s about acknowledging their internal experience as real for them, regardless of your interpretation. It means taking a beat to observe your child and their experiences with environmental input (including your additions).
Examples:
When noticing a startle response or attending to a loud noise: “That noise is loud.”
When noticing“That was a big change.”
“You seem to like that!” when noticing an excited response
What it does NOT look like:
“Oh don’t worry, that isn’t too loud”
“That change is no big deal”
“Stop flapping. That’s embarrassing.”
Validation communicates: I hear you. I believe you. Your feelings matter.
Benefits of Using Validation with Neurodivergent Children
Strengthens emotional safety
Many autistic children experience the world intensely — sensory overload, social confusion, or unexpected changes can feel genuinely threatening. Validation helps them feel grounded and understood. It helps them make sense of a very chaotic world.
Reduces meltdowns and shutdowns
When a child feels believed rather than dismissed (“You’re fine,” “It’s not a big deal”), their nervous system can settle more quickly. Validation doesn’t magically stop distress, but it prevents escalation… and may prevent future scenarios when they know you understand/will help them make sense of them.
Builds communication skills
For children who struggle to articulate emotions, validation models language they can eventually use themselves. It also shows that communication is worthwhile — someone is listening. It opens the door for future opportunities for you to help with regulation and understanding.
Supports autonomy and self‑advocacy
When you validate your child’s experience, you teach them to trust their own internal signals. This is essential for future self‑advocacy, especially around sensory needs, boundaries, and consent. There is a lot of information out about interoception and autism now. And research is showing that the better someone is able to read their internal signals, the less anxiety they experience.
Strengthens your relationship
Feeling understood is a universal human need. Most autistic individuals feel deeply misunderstood in our communities. This allows them to have a place of safety with you that they can use as a launch pad for engaging with the world around them… while also providing a safety net.
When Validation Isn't Magic
Validation is powerful — but it’s not a magic wand. Here are the common challenges parents run into.
Over‑validating can feel like over‑accommodating
If every distress signal leads to removing all discomfort, children may not learn coping skills or flexibility. Validation should acknowledge feelings, not eliminate every trigger.
Validation without boundaries creates confusion
A child can feel heard and still need to follow a limit.Example:“I know brushing your teeth feels awful. I believe you. And we still need to do it. Let’s find a way that works better.”
Some children may interpret validation as pressure
Autistics may feel overwhelmed if validation is delivered with too much emotional intensity and expectations of reciprocation. Allowing this to be one sided for a while without pressure of their then doing it, will only pave the way for them to feel they can validate you when they are ready rather than upon command.
Validation of emotions is tricky
Autistic individuals may not always have facial expressions that match their internal state. If you validate emotions inaccurately, this can cause confusion and frustration. If you are unsure, you might use a declarative statement like "I wonder if you are feeling angry" or simply coming in close and allowing them to say or do something else that can indicate their internal state more accurately before making any assumptions.
Validation can become performative
If parents use validation scripts without genuine curiosity, children sense the disconnect. Authenticity matters more than perfect phrasing. Only do this when you can be settled in your body and mind enough to be curious and mean it. Otherwise, simply being quiet can be much more valuable.
Warning: It doesn’t replace practical support
Validation alone won’t solve sensory overload, executive function challenges, or communication barriers. It must be paired with accommodations, structure, and skill‑building. But it can help someone feel open and trust your guidance into those realms.
How to Use Validation Effectively
Here are some guiding principles to keep validation helpful rather than overwhelming.
✔️ Be curious, not corrective
Instead of “You shouldn’t feel that way,” try “Tell me more about what’s happening for you.”
✔️ Match your child’s communication style
Some children prefer short statements. Others want detailed explanations. Some want no words at all during distress. Only talk as much as your child and just a tiny bit more (e.g., if your child is nonverbal, use sound effects or single words. If your child is extremely verbal, you may be able to use more words if/when your child’s attention is shifted to you).
✔️ Validate AND guide rather than allow troubling behaviors to continue
“You’re angry” is validation.“It’s okay to hit” is not.“You’re angry, and I won’t let you hit. Let’s find another way” is the balance.
✔️ Pair validation with problem‑solving
After acknowledging the feeling, collaborate on solutions — sensory tools, visual supports, scripts, or transitions. You are rarely able to do this immediately. You must let the tension in your body and theirs to relax before you can move forward into problem solving.
✔️ Stay regulated yourself
Validation only works when delivered from a calm, grounded place. Your nervous system sets the tone. If you cannot stay regulated, focus on safety and stay quiet until you are able to calm your system.
Understanding fuels connection
Validation is not about fixing your child — it’s about connecting with them. For neurodivergent individuals who often feel misunderstood by the world, your willingness to see their experience clearly is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
And like all parenting tools, it takes practice. You’ll get it right sometimes and miss the mark other times. What matters most is your intention to understand your child’s world and walk alongside them as they navigate it.
Interoception for autistic adults
The power of validation for and with autistic adults
The value of validation in child development (with a focus on neurodivergence)
The magic of validation
I used AI for the basic outline of this blog. I then went back through every line to check it's accuracy, rewrite into something that felt more like my voice and/or I felt from my professional perspective was more accurate.
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