How Teaching Patience and Quiet Compliance Harms Children By Hindering Their Adult Advocacy Skills

We often tell children to be patient, to wait their turn, and to quietly behave. This advice is especially emphasized for autistic children, who may undergo interventions designed to help them conform to these expectations. Yet, when these children grow into adults, the world demands something very different. Success in social situations, dating, and job seeking requires speaking up, advocating loudly, and pushing boundaries. We are doing autistic children (and all children) a serious injustice: teaching patience early on can leave adults unequipped to advocate for themselves when it matters most.

The Early Lesson of Patience and Its Hidden Costs

From a young age, children learn that patience is a virtue. Waiting quietly, following rules, and suppressing immediate reactions are seen as markers of good behavior. For autistic children, this lesson is often reinforced through therapies and interventions aimed at reducing behaviors that are considered disruptive or socially inappropriate.

While patience is valuable, teaching it without balance can have unintended consequences:

• Suppressing natural responses: Children learn to hide their true selves, feelings and needs instead of expressing them.

• Avoiding conflict: They may fear speaking up because it is discouraged.

Reduced confidence: Constantly waiting and holding back can erode self-esteem and the belief that their voice matters.

In my work with autistic adults, I am constantly running against their thinking that if they are patient, their resume will speak for itself, for example. They think that what they have been told all of these years, to be patient and trust the "system," will work. That by crossing their t's and dotting their i's that they will be hired. But our world does NOT work like this! They think that if they contact a potential love interest, that the other person will just know to respond without any additional nudging. Our school systems have conditioned them to be patient rather than advocate, speak up, or add information that is above and beyond what was requested.

Why Advocacy Requires More Than Patience

Adult life demands a different set of skills. Whether negotiating a salary, asking for accommodations, or navigating social relationships, success often depends on being proactive and vocal.

Key areas where advocacy is crucial include:

• Workplace: Asking for reasonable accommodations or negotiating roles requires clear communication and confidence.

• Social engagement: Building friendships and romantic relationships often means expressing needs and boundaries openly.

• Healthcare: Advocating for appropriate care and understanding requires speaking up about symptoms and concerns.

  
  

In these contexts, patience alone is not enough. Being the "squeaky wheel" can be necessary to get attention and support.

The Unique Challenges for Autistic Adults

Autistic adults face particular hurdles because of the early emphasis on patience and compliance:

• Difficulty pushing boundaries: Years of being taught to wait, conform, and mask can make it impossible to challenge authority or social norms.

• Fear of negative reactions: Past experiences of punishment or exclusion for speaking up can create significant and debilitating anxiety.

• Lack of role models: Many autistic individuals have not seen examples of effective self-advocacy modeled for them.

  
  

These challenges contribute to lower employment rates, social isolation, and unmet needs in healthcare among autistic adults.

An autistic adult standing in a quiet park, symbolizing self-advocacy and empowerment

Image caption: An autistic adult standing in a quiet park, symbolizing self-advocacy and empowerment.

Practical Steps to Build Advocacy Skills Alongside Patience

The goal is not to eliminate patience but to balance it with assertiveness and self-expression. Here are some ways to support this balance:

• Encourage expression of needs early: Teach children that it’s okay to ask for help or say what they want. Most autistic children struggle to recognize the moment they need help so you will need to be especially vigilant in helping them recognize the moment someone else may be able to help them or something could be more efficient with the help of someone else.

• Role-play, draw, or write out advocacy scenarios: Practice or read about speaking up in safe environments, such as asking a teacher for a break or explaining a preference to a peer.

• Model and allow assertive behavior: Adults can demonstrate how to advocate respectfully and effectively as well as welcome and encourage assertive behavior at home.

• Validate feelings and opinions: Show that their voice matters and deserves to be heard - even if you may not agree or understand.

• Teach boundary-setting: Help children understand how to say no and protect their well-being - again, even if you do not understand.

• Provide opportunities for leadership: Encourage participation in activities where they can practice decision-making and negotiation at home and with trusted people. Autistic individuals will not advocate for themselves in the community before they do it at home. It must be safe enough to do this at home with lots of practice before venturing out into the world to do so.

  
  

These strategies help build confidence and communication skills that will serve individuals well into adulthood.

Changing the Narrative Around Patience and Advocacy

Society needs to rethink how it teaches patience. Instead of framing patience as passive waiting, it can be presented as part of a broader skill set that includes knowing when to speak up and how to advocate effectively.

This shift requires:

• Educators and therapists to balance interventions: Focus not only on compliance but also on empowerment. Let's teach children how to speak up for what they need, want, and believe in.

• Parents to support self-advocacy: Encourage children to express themselves and stand up for their needs at home and with trusted people.

• Communities to create inclusive spaces: Foster environments where diverse voices are welcomed and respected. Stand up for your child in environments that do not. Show the world that your child or someone else's child deserves the right to stim, dance, move, groove, and make sounds that soothe or entertain them without shame or ridicule.

  
  

By changing this narrative, we can help autistic individuals and all children grow into adults who are patient when needed but also confident advocates for themselves.

Real-Life Example: Advocacy in Action

Consider Sarah, an autistic woman who struggled with asking for accommodations at work. As a child, she was taught to wait quietly and not complain. She struggled to find a job since she thought just sending her resume out was enough. In her first job, she found it hard to request changes that would help her succeed, like a quieter workspace or flexible hours.

After specific neuro-affirming coaching focused on self-advocacy, Sarah learned to express her needs clearly and confidently. She practiced scripts, role-played conversations, and received encouragement. Eventually, she spoke to her manager and secured accommodations that improved her performance and well-being.

Sarah’s story shows how balancing patience with advocacy skills can transform adult outcomes.

Supporting Autistic Adults in Advocacy Today

For autistic adults who missed out on advocacy training as children, support is still possible:

• Advocacy coaching: Professionals can teach communication and negotiation skills.

• Peer support groups: Sharing experiences with others builds confidence.

• Workplace training: Employers can create programs to help employees advocate for themselves from job postings through to sustained employment.

  
  

These supports help bridge the gap caused by early lessons that overly emphasized patience. However, we can do better with the next generation from the get-go. We know early intervention is effective. Let's make sure it is centered on advocacy, voicing opinions, and speaking up.